FRED: Gemini, this is Houston.
Do you copy? (IMITATING RADIO STATIC)
Roger that, Houston.
This is Captain Fred Randall. (IMITATING RADIO STATIC)
Houston, the earth looks beautiful.
It's like a giant blueberry.
(IMITATING RADIO STATIC) Roger that, Houston.
We are set to fire retrorockets.
(IMITATING RADIO STATIC) That's a go, Gemini.
Retrofire ignition in T-minus six and counting.
Five, four, three,
- two, one, ignition! - (BUZZING)
Houston, we have a problem. We have a problem!
Mission Control, the gyro is out! The gyro is out!
Houston, we have a problem! We have a problem!
I want my mommy! I want my mommy!
- FRED: Uh-oh. - MRS. RANDALL: Fred Z. Randall.
What are you doing?
I come in peace.
Look, George. It's our little moon man.
Sweet pickled pineapples! Why can't he play football, like the rest of the kids?
MRS. RANDALL: George.
BILL: Houston, request go for landing.
Pilgrim One, requests go for landing.
Go is affirmative.
MAN: Pilgrim One, you are go for landing.
BILL: Roger that, Houston.
MAN: Aeroshell deployed. Deceleration rate, normal. ECLSS is go.
Pilgrim is through the high gate at 80 percent.
Heartbeat steady. My man is made of ice.
(SIREN BLARING)
- GARY: Bill? - I see it.
GARY: Houston request, 20 percent X gimbal correction.
- Tell them no. - Negative.
Pilgrim, hold your transfer ellipse steady.
What's going on Hackman?
GARY: This isn't right. Computer says, we're coming in too steep.
Twenty thousand meters.
Pilgrim dropping rapidly to Martian surface.
Glide slope is eroding.
- JULIE: APUs are go. - Gary?
Increase 20 percent. Do it now, or we'll burn up.
BILL: Going to manual.
Why is he course correcting? Why is he course correcting?
- Can someone answer me, please? - I don't know.
Engaging landing thrusters. Houston, we're off course.
- Come on. - (SIREN BLARING)
BILL: We're losing her.
We're losing, man. We're losing her!
- BILL: Houston... - (STATIC)
Why?
Congratulations, you're all dead!
Oh.
Third time in a row, Hackman! Nice move on that course correction!
Paul, it wasn't his fault.
That's right, the navigation computer keeps telling me to correct it.
It's obviously screwed up.
Oh, that's the problem? Pardon me!
If Gary says, the computer's screwing up,
then the computer is screwing up, now why don't you just fix it?
Get me the name of the guy that wrote this software!
(HORN HONKING)
Better engage the anti-theft device.
FRED: Hey! Morning, everybody! Hi, Floyd!
Hey, Kimmie Lee Wong!
Five minutes till the official workday starts.
That's five minutes to save the world.
(IMITATES GUN SHOTS)
Die! Get back to your own planet!
You big, bulgy-eyed bald freaks!
Your supervisor showed us in.
He said that you're the man who designed our mission operating system.
Sweet Alaskan asparagus tips! You're the Mars team!
- PAUL: Well, Mr. Randall, uh... - Paul Wick, Lead Flight Director!
Oh, sir, I am a big fan of yours! It's, uh...
William Overbeck. "Wild Bill" Overbeck! (EXCLAIMS)
In my office!
I feel like a paleontologist who's been hunting dinosaurs
his whole life and finally got to meet one.
- (FRED GASPING) - Thank you.
Eight shuttle missions! Eight of 'em!
It's nine, actually, but who's counting?
Well, apparently you are, my friend.
Oh, thank you for bringing him here!
- I've been following his career... - Bill, check this out.
...swirling and swirling and...
Gary Hackman?
Computer specialist! How's my baby treatin' ya?
- Actually... - That's why we're here.
Some of us think it may have a glitch.
A glitch? Oh, no, that's not possible, I...
I programmed it myself. It's perfect!
Not exactly. Your program keeps miscalculating
our orbital entry trajectories.
Here's the data.
FRED: Okay, yep, okay, here we go. Here we go. Here it comes.
Mm-hmm... Yeah.
Got it, got it. There it is.
- What? - What? There's what?
This popcorn kernel's been stuck in my molars for the last two weeks!
Well, there's your problem.
Gary's been running his Hohmann transfer equations
to include gravitational effects
varying as the inverse cube of the distance.
I'm a decorated astronaut. I don't make those kind of mistakes.
Well now, wait a minute, look, I'll show you.
I'll enter the same calculations, using what we call "the right way."
Then, I'll open the lander file
and I'll initiate the Mars landing sequence.
(IMITATES WHIRRING SOUND)
PAUL: I've seen enough.
FRED: Watch this, fellas. (IMITATES WHIRRING SOUND)
This is ridiculous! Come on, move! Move!
There's nothing wrong with my numbers. They're perfect.
(MUTTERING)
Hey!
GARY: Watch this, you popcorn geek.
See? I told you, it's the computer.
(GARY WHIMPERS)
(SQUEAKING)
I can explain everything.
BEN: Skull fracture! I can't believe it,
injured while proving himself wrong!
- Look, I can explain it. - He heard you.
So... what do we do now?
We postpone it.
We can't, Ben! You've seen the reports
of the surveyor satellite that we have orbiting mars.
There are periodic sandstorms on the surface.
They go on for months at a time. They make our landing impossible!
If we delay now and those storms set in, we lose our window!
We can't launch again then for two years!
Then we wait two years!
Ben, Ben, Ben...
If we cancel this launch, everyone will lose faith in us.
In you. In me.
In the whole NASA team.
But... we could sub in a backup.
and as a matter of fact, we have two choices.
The first choice, of course, is Gordon Peacock.
But...
he hasn't tested well for space travel.
Test him again. Who's your second choice?
NASA.
Yee-haa! (CACKLES)
- FRED: Mr. Wick, can I call you Paul? - PAUL: No.
- FRED: Are we there yet? - PAUL: No.
- FRED: How far is it? - PAUL: Quiet.
- FRED: Can I drive? - PAUL: No!
- Can I park it? - (TIRE SCREECHES)
- FRED: Hey, it's that stubby guy! - PAUL: Fred...
- FRED: Is that John Glenn? - PAUL: Fred, please come with me.
- FRED: I'm sure it was him. - PAUL: Fred, I've less than a month
to see if you have the right stuff to be an astronaut.
Fred, I've got to get you... I've got to get you
a clearance badge. You stay right here.
A clearance badge.
Sign at the bottom.
(IMITATING SPACESHIPS)
Commander, are you sure we're headed towards planet Earth?
It looks a heck of a lot like the sun.
Of course I'm sure, you fool! How dare you question my authority?
(SCREAMS)
FRED: Morning.
Sorry. Sorry. Wasn't me!
Wasn't me. The cafeteria lady pushed me, Mr...
- Bud Nesbitt? - Who the hell are you?
Apollo 13! You're the one responsible for the...
I mean, when I say responsible, I mean I was responsible for this.
- All this. - Apollo 13 was an accident.
Oh, sure, sure it was. Just like the captain of the Exxon Valdez
didn't see Alaska floating there, right in front of him.
Could I get your autograph right there?
What, another... another "accident," Bud?
No, no, no, this... this was all me. This was...
We were walking down the hall
and the cafeteria lady jumped out of a doorway
and pushed me right into Bud Nesbitt, Apollo 13 wrecker.
Bud's been a little touchy the last...
ten, 15 years.
(IMITATING CHIMP)
Who are you?
(STUTTERING) I'm Fred Rand... Fred Rand...
That's Fred Randall.
Fred Randall.
Fred, meet your new roommate.
Julie Ford, mission specialist, geologist.
It's gonna be a real honor sleeping with you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
In completely different beds.
Fred, she's not your roommate. He is.
(LAUGHS)
I get it. I get it! Haze the rookie! Good one!
The legendary rooming-with-the-monkey gag!
Ulysses is a chimp, not a monkey.
He's a ch...
And he's the key to discovering life on Mars.
(HOOTING)
I'm training him using calls that he's familiar with
to retrieve specific rock samples from underground fissures.
(HOOTING)
Of course. There's still moisture under the surface.
FRED: And where there's water, there could be life.
JULIE: That's right. Good boy.
Or death.
Death to anyone who dare to disturb the vicious Martian crust devils
with their venomous feet and their wet, sucking lips!
(SNORTING)
- Uh, Paul? - Yeah?
Paul, can I talk to you for a second?
Sure.
Well, it looks like it's me and you, my little Ewok.
FRED: You're gonna be my very first roommate!
- So, what do you think? - What do I think?
What do you think? I mean, what is your reasoning here, Paul?
Little Dr. Zaius.
(HOOTING)
Because we're going to Mars, we should take along a guy from Mars?
(HOOTING)
He's a computer genius. He's supposed to be a little weird.
A little?
Let go of me!
I am not gonna let a few random personality quirks
ground the most important mission of my career!
(SCREAMING)
Well, Paul, excuse me for... for letting my practical concerns
get in the way of your career!
Wait, wait, this mission means just as much to you as to me, Ford!
And if Gordon can't cut it, then this kid is our last hope.
Well, that's impressive. They're bonding already.
FRED: Mom, please!
I really wish you'd stop referring to it as "running away from home."
It's only temporary.
Going to Mars is not temporary, Freddy.
The last time you ran away, it was just to the garage.
Oh, I know. You're rebelling, aren't you?
Mom, I don't even know if I'm going to Mars for sure.
Oh.
Well, I wish I was.
I've made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,
just like you like them. It's a long trip.
Mom, I'm not even hungry, honestly.
Look, there's a little moon, a star and a little rocket.
I'm 30 years old! I'm almost a full-grown man!
I'll take the rocket.
(DOG BARKING)
FRED: Well, isn't this a treat!
Finally, a place of my own. No one to tell me what to do.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(CAT SCREECHES)
(DOG BARKING)
It wasn't me!
Hey, there's no eating puzzles in the house!
And surely we don't jump on the bed!
All right, I'm going out.
If you light the place on fire, the number's 911. Thank you.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
BILL: Hey, Randall. C'mon. I'll buy you a drink.
Now wait a second. I'm not much of a drinker...
Gil, round of Blast Offs for my friend Randall here.
Blast Off? What's that?
It's a very special drink. It's just for us astronauts.
Oh, like Tang?
Exactly.
BILL: Houston, we have ignition!
(SONG PLAYING)
- Excellent! Excellent! - Commencing countdown.
ALL: In three, two, one, blast off!
Blast off!
- (WHOOPING) - (MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Ford. Got off work early, huh?
- Is this necessary, Bill? - Oh, absolutely. Enjoy the show.
JULIE: Oh, jeez, getting someone drunk like this is wrong.
Is he the one you want in the jump seat
next to you, when you're 35 million miles away from home?
Julie Ford!
Julie Ford! Come on. Let's twirl!
FRED: We're twirling!
It wasn't me.
You kids have fun now, you hear?
Everyone is laughing at us!
This is not some frat party, Randall! This is NASA!
(HICCUPS)
And some of us have earned the right to be here.
And we need someone to replace Gary, on this mission or it doesn't happen.
So, grow up or get out, but don't waste my time.
FRED: Hey, Julie!
I was just trying to, you know... fit in.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Julie? (YELLS)
Oh, it's you.
Hey, don't worry, little fella. It's only thunder.
Scares me too.
Can't sleep, huh?
All right. I'll sing you a little lullaby, but only one.
(SINGS) Hairy little monkey Sleeping in the night
Close your monkey eyes So monkey, monkey tight
And then you'll know Little monkey doesn't fright
When the thunder goes boom So deep into the night
- Paul, this Randall guy is a joke! - Just give him a chance.
He's not gonna show, you know. Guy's an embarrassment to NASA!
Now, I understand people like him. Trust me, he'll be a total professional.
FRED: Morning! Morning!
Oh, good, Fred!
Look, we're gonna start of your testing this morning
with the isolation chamber.
So, for the next 24 hours we'll see if you can withstand
the extreme isolation of space travel.
Cut off from all external stimuli. Completely and utterly alone.
No, not exactly. Your competition is gonna be in the adjacent chamber.
- Gordo! - Sir.
Hey, Gordon A. Peacock,
computer specialist!
Well, well, well, well, well, isn't this a treat!
Hey, what kind of laptop do you have?
- MAN: Randall, let's go. - Close it up.
Gordo, you're on the right. Randall, you're in the left chamber here.
FRED: Surely.
MAN 2: Initializing 24-hour clock.
Ah!
Hello? (ECHOES)
- What the heck? - Is that you? (ECHOES)
Yes, it's me. (ECHOES)
Prove it! (ECHOES)
I asked you first!
(ECHOES) I asked you first. I asked you first.
(YODELS)
(YODELING ECHOES)
Oh...
(SINGS) John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
His name is my name too
Whenever we go out The people always shout
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
(PANTING)
Oh, he stopped.
(SINGS) The people always shout
John Jacob Jingleheimer...
(SCREAMS)
John Jacob Jingleheimer...
- (GORDO SCREAMING) - Paul, this is inhuman.
(CLEARS THROAT) I say, Freddy,
it was absolutely lovely to invite us out of London for the weekend, old boy.
Yes, it's absolutely smashing to be here, Freddy.
Well, It's my pleasure to have you, Mr. and Mrs. Plumpton.
(BLABBING)
PAUL: Okay, Bill, let's get 'em out.
Somebody stole my pants.
(CUCKOO CLOCK CUCKOOS)
Yes, you did.
I did not and I'm telling you, I never will!
Uh, could you give me just a few more minutes? I just started the third act.
Yes, close the door! It's bloody chilly in here!
Yes, close the door, you fat...
Don't use that word around the children.
Yes! Power it down.
Powering down.
PAUL: Gordo, good work!
BILL: Hey. Way to go, Gordo!
Looks like he beat that motion sickness.
Nice ride, fella!
You probably shouldn't have had that liverwurst
and headcheese sandwich before this.
(RETCHING)
Say, Randall, you know that iso chamber was a cakewalk.
Now, this little baby is a whole other animal.
Hey, how fast does this little tree twirl?
Nearly, 200 miles an hour.
That's six Gs. Bill there holds the record.
- Have fun, kid. - (CHUCKLES)
Fun is my Chinese neighbor's middle name!
- (SQUISHES) - (PAUL GASPS)
Man!
Smooth sailing, Randall.
TECHNICIAN: Stand by.
All right. Let's try four Gs.
Make it five.
FRED: Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa-oa!
A little...
faster...
please.
5.7, 5.8!
FRED: Thank you!
Six Gs!
(YELLING)
He tied your record, Commander. Should I stop?
- RANDALL: Give it a little gas! - Make it seven.
FRED: Faster! Faster!
FRED: That's enough! Slow down!
Mommy!
I want my mommy!
And what's the most important thing at NASA, children?
Safety!
(SCREAMING)
- Our Father, who art in heaven... - (KIDS SCREAMING)
Here we go, Gary. Be brave, huh? Why don't you try walking?
(SCREAMING) Get out of the way!
(LOUD CRASH)
Ouch.
Uh, sorry I'm late.
I, uh... The...
I ran into Gary and, uh...
Get in the chair, Fred.
The other chair.
Sweet swirling onion rings!
FRED: Capacitor 15 goes into 12... Red over on the green... 19 over...
(MURMURS)
Seventeen into 2, red over into green... And that's it!
Good, Randall. Really good.
The fastest time I've ever seen.
I, uh... I designed most of these circuits.
PAUL: How's it going?
Oh, he's doing great!
Yeah, let's see what happens under emergency conditions.
BUD: You've got one minute to complete the board,
or your crew dies.
- (BEEPING) - Begin.
(SCREAMS)
You know what to do! Do it! You doubt yourself, you fail!
FRED: Ceiling! Wall! Floor! You guys!
It's moving too fast!
It'll be a 100 times worse in real life. Come on, Randall!
MALE VOICE: Randall...
- Look at him! Randall! - (FRED SCREAMING)
BUD: Randall, you're hopeless!
FRED: (GRUNTS) How'd I do?
One minute and 30 seconds.
Just remember, gentlemen, the object is to keep
your Ping-Pong ball airborne as long as possible.
We're testing lung capacity
to determine the time you have to survive
should a life-support malfunction occur.
So, you know, uh, the record's three minutes,
held by Commander Overbeck.
Ford, do me a favor.
If by some miracle this kid makes it...
watch out for him, will you?
PAUL: Sir.
BUD: Hey, Ben. - Bud.
Bud!
Will you excuse us?
MALE VOICE: They're closing in on Bill's record.
- (GORDO GROANS) - (FRED JABBERS)
Ben.
Bill, what do you think?
I think Gordo's an astronaut and Randall isn't.
BEN: Mm, I don't know.
MALE VOICE: He broke the record!
(SCREAMS)
It wasn't me! It wasn't me!
So we will be using a new system which generates artificial gravity
on this mission.
Ms. Ford, do you expect to find life on Mars?
Absolutely. Yes. Uh, along with my crew, including Ulysses,
I think it is most likely we'll find microscopic unicellular organisms
which are very similar to those found in rock fragments from Antarctica.
- BERNARD: Bernard Barrows, BBC. - Commander Overbeck,
we've all read about the potentially dangerous windstorms on the surface.
How's that going to affect the mission?
Well, as a former test pilot,
I've experienced my share of wind problems.
But the ground crew has assured me that if we launch now,
these storms shouldn't be any trouble.
MALE VOICE: Bernard Barrows, BBC.
Mr. Wick, has NASA selected a replacement crew member yet?
Well, I'm, uh, glad you asked that question.
Ben, you wanna take that one?
Yes. Um, I have made a decision on our... replacement
and the National Aeronautics and Space Administration
is pleased, as I am pleased,
to announce the appointment of astronaut and third crew member
of the historic manned mission to Mars,
Astronaut Fred Randall!
(SCREAMS)
- (GATE SLAMS) - (FRED SHRIEKS)
(INDISTINCT MALE VOICE OVER RADIO)
I'm not ready, Bud.
Fred, in '68, when President Johnson appointed me chief of operations
for the Apollo mission, he gave me three commemorative coins.
One for honor, which I gave to Armstrong.
One for freedom. I gave that one to Lovell.
And one... for bravery.
It hasn't done me much good. Maybe it'll mean something to you.
Whoa.
I feel like the Cowardly Lion.
(SINGS) If I were the king
Of the forest
I'd rrrruff and I'd rrrruff And I'd rrrruff
Ha-ha!
How about just saying, "Thanks for the cool coin, Bud.
"It really means a lot to me"?
Oh, yeah, thanks for the cool coin, Bud. It real... What was the rest?
You're welcome, Fred. Go on.
Good luck, Astronaut Randall!
All right, team. Let's kick the tires and light the fires.
Don't worry, Ulysses. Everything's gonna be okay.
Nothing to be scared of. Look, I'm not scared.
There's no reason why you should be scared.
- MAN 1: What's our status? - MAN 2: Go.
MAN 1: Roger, 842. Booster?
MAN 2: Go.
- APUs? - Go.
- OMS? - Lookin' good.
BILL: Houston, we're getting close. Initiating final checklist.
- Fuel cells. - Fuel cells. Check.
- Hydraulics. - Hydraulics. Check.
- CDPS, panel six. - JULIE: MMU one.
- BILL: IPL. - AT&T?
- GPC, mode four. - KFC.
- BILL: EDP. - YMCA.
- GNC and five. - BMW?
- CNS. - CNN.
- CNS. - IHOP?
Randall, computer navigation systems.
I have to go tinkle!
JULIE: CNS, check.
- BILL: ECLSS. - JULIE: ECLSS. Check.
- BILL: APUs. - JULIE: APUs are go.
BILL: Abort switch. JULIE: Abort switch on.
- Initiating final launch sequence. - All right, people. Looking good.
T-minus ten. Let's light her up.
No, not yet!
Ten, nine...
- Fifteen! Twenty-nine! ...eight, seven...
...six...
FRED: There's a fly in my helmet! Look! It just went up my nose!
- (EXCLAIMS) ...two, one.
(SNEEZES)
We have liftoff, 0232 GMT!
Yes!
MRS RANDALL: Oh, my Lord...
I hope I packed him enough underwear.
I wouldn't worry about that, pumpkin.
He's packin' his own underwear right now.
Oh, my...
FRED: Are you guys seeing this?
My helmet!
Did you see that?
My face went back like this and then I...
These things flew out of my mouth and...
Can we do that again? (GIGGLES)
I like this!
Hey, I'm floating up in the air! Like a little bird, like a crow!
(CAWS)
Hey, look. There's a big field of corn down there everybody!
Engaging artificial gravity in three, two, one.
(FRED GROANS)
Hey, Randall, take a look out the window.
(FRED GROANS)
Wow...
It really does look like a giant blueberry.
FRED: Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
FRED: Commander, can I call you Bill?
BILL: No.
- FRED: Are we there yet? - BILL: No.
- FRED: Could I drive? - BILL: No!
FRED: I'm hungry.
Ulysses, it's yum-yum time!
(HOOTING)
Ow! (GROANS)
Ow, the flesh, it burns!
Ow. Need some burn ointment.
You hungry, Ulysses? Here, you eat the monkey fruitcake.
Now go sit at the table. Sit at the table.
Randall, where's that dinner?
It's just coming out of the oven, Bill.
Okay, people. Let's eat up. In 20 minutes we got a broadcast with the president
and the entire free world.
But, if it's all the same as you guys,
I'm gonna sit that one out.
JULIE: So, what you make for dinner?
Prime rib with broccoli and mashed potatoes.
Oh, Julie's doing her Old Yeller impression!
Please, Pa. I don't want Yeller to die!
Fred, it's toothpaste!
(JULIE SPITS)
That's not potatoes.
I'm sorry, what?
This is not...
Oh, man, this is hemorrhoid cream!
(MUMBLES)
Hemorrhoid cream!
Hey, swallow your food there, fella!
(BILL SPITS)
Dear Mr. President...
Dear world and Mr. President...
(GURGLING)
(GULPS, SQUEALS, PASSES GAS)
That came out of nowhere.
(GURGLING CONTINUES)
Oh, look out, Sally!
JULIE: Be careful you don't get sucked out when you flush.
- What? - Happens all the time.
Oh, no, Bud's coin!
(bubbling)
Come to papa.
PRESIDENT: Good evening, my fellow Americans
and citizens of the world.
Tonight, we are privileged to be speaking live
with our courageous Mars astronauts.
PRESIDENT: Good evening, Commander.
Good evening, Mr. President. Welcome aboard the Aries.
BILL: I would like to say that this mission is intended
to honor all of the peoples of the world,
for space is about the highest yearning...
- Are we on? ...of mank... of mankind.
PRESIDENT: I don't mean to cut you off, Commander,
but I'm going to, because I spy Fred Randall there
and I believe that the people of the world
would like to know just why he looks like a Smurf tonight.
Officer Randall has some duties to perform in another...
- in another part of the spacecraft. - We are on!
If I could just finish this...
- this thought... - Say hello to the world, son.
Me? Yes, Mr. President...
- FRED: I don't think that I... - Tell them what it's like up here.
PRESIDENT: Yeah, son, you go ahead.
Mr. President, sir, from up here I can...
Well, I can see the whole world out that window, and...
Well, I know down there there's a lot of wars
and people fighting so on and whatnot,
but from up here, I feel like I could just take
the whole world and hold it in my hands
just like a ripe blueberry.
I feel like I could... It's almost like I...
(SINGS) I got the whole world in my hands
I got the whole world in my hands
All right, now the French! (SINGS IN FRENCH)
Now the Germans! (SINGS IN GERMAN)
C'mon. Just the Western Hemisphere!
(SINGS) He's got the whole world In his hands
Come on, Commander!
He's got the whole wide world In his hands
He's got The whole damn world in his hands
He's got The whole world in his hands
Everybody, now!
He's got the whole world In his hands
And now the Chinese! C'mon, all you Chinese!
(SINGS IN CHINESE)
- Hey, there's my star. - What?
My star. When I was a kid, I picked one out of the sky.
Called it Fred's Star.
It was my own special little place I could go to
and no one could ever find me.
- That is so weird! I did that too. - You did?
Yes!
Which one is yours?
Well, um, actually, it's that one, see, just to the right of the North Star.
Kinda flickering over there?
- FRED: That's funny. - Why?
Well, that one's right next to mine.
It's... It's amazing, isn't it, Julie?
Yeah.
You know, for all the research I've done,
I still don't really understand what's out there.
I mean, I believe that there's something...
I just... I wish... I wish I...
Well, why don't you?
What?
Wish. Use your star. It's like that Jiminy Cricket song.
(SINGS) When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
And when you wish
Upon a star
Your dreams
Come true
That's Jiminy Cricket.
FRED: I don't know about this hypersleep thing.
JULIE: It's perfectly safe. Besides, can't stay awake for eight months.
The boredom would drive you crazy.
Eight months? The eye crust alone could be dangerous! Hey, Commander!
Ah! It burns the flesh!
So anyway, Ford, wake me up when we get to Mars.
JULIE: You got it.
BILL: Good night, ladies.
So, I'll see you in eight months.
Boy, I wish I had 928 dollars for every time a girl's said that to me.
Good night, Fred.
Good night, Julie Ford.
Well, it's a tale as old as time, Ulysses.
Boy meets girl, boy falls for girl...
girl goes into hypersleep.
No, see, you can't be in here because yours is over there.
This is mine.
Okay, I'm going in here.
You can stay right there
and I'm gonna take yours, you hairy little bed stealer!
Good night. Gotta close the door.
Just gotta close this...
Gotta close the door...
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Oh! Eight-month-old morning breath.
Morning glory and hallelujah, Commander!
(CROWING)
Query. How long have I been asleep?
Thirteen minutes!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Gah! No!
(BURPS)
Ha-ha, Fred!
Crazy blanket! No man could sleep with you!
Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep...
FRED: My darling, what a wonderful evening.
You look so beautiful tonight, so... full of life.
Your hair looks like corn silk,
soft, snowy skin and your tangerine lips...
And your...
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
(CRACKLING)
Hi! It's me again!
Whack, whack, whack!
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!
Fred. Come out, Fred. You can't hide forever, Fred.
- They're coming to get me, Fred. - Bwana! It's me, Fred.
They've taken over the ship. 50, 60 of them!
I've had to hide in the jungle. Take this down.
I need four barrels of gunpowder, a machete, a goatskin,
a guide that speaks Hutu.
Fred, snap out of it. Fred, snap out of it.
Fred, snap...
It wasn't me!
BUD: Hello? Hello?
Hello?
BUD: Fred?
Can I ask who's calling? Over.
It's Bud. Go to the private medical channel.
- FRED: Bud. Where have you been? Over. - Why are you awake?
Well, there was a series of very bad mistakes
that happened all at once,
but everything's fine and my spirits are high.
FRED: The ship is in shipshape, and by the way,
the Hutu uprising is over. Over.
Forget the "overs." I don't know how can I'm gonna keep this from Wick.
You don't have to. I've already reprogrammed the hypersleep monitors.
He doesn't have to know.
Ration your food. I'll do what I can.
FRED: Bud, there's something else, I've been looking
at the latest weather surveyor photos from Mars.
What are you talking about?
I can't be sure but I have a feeling that when we land,
we might run into some nasty windstorms.
That's impossible. None of our people picked that up.
FRED: I know. I almost missed it myself.
If you look in sectors five and six of the Valles Marineris, you'll see tha...
Way too low for this time of the year. This could be bad.
What do we do?
BUD: We do nothing.
If Wick finds out you're awake, he'll go through the roof.
Let me go to him with this weather business,
he'll have no choice, he'll have to reconsider the mission.
Reconsider the mission? Sure.
Hm. Okay, it's still on.
Paul, look at these new readouts. The danger is real!
I don't have to look at anything, Bud!
I've a room full of experts telling me that everything's just peachy
and you walk up to me and tell me to reconsider a $40 billion mission
just because you've got a hunch?
- That's right. - I'm sorry, Bud,
your hunches are worth about as much as dental floss
at a Willie Nelson concert.
I'll be monitoring this situation If the data doesn't change...
You'll leave it to me to make the call, as always.
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTING) Voila.
(ALARM BLARING)
February, March, April, May, June, July,
August... Whoopsy. Wake-up time.
Hypersleep over.
BILL: Come on, Ford. I'm starving!
Randall, why are you dressed like that?
What have you been doing?
Oh, just making coffee. You know, I'm a morning person.
Good morning, Julie.
What happened in here?
Well, I'll be the first to say it. It looks like we've got space rats.
Space rats?
You've been awake!
No! It wasn't me! It was the hairy one!
Him! The naughty!
(HOOTING)
Well, it's obvious he's very sorry
and doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
Oh, my God.
FRED: Wow.
Turns out Ulysses is one of those rare...
genius painting monkeys.
That's food.
You've been awake the whole time, and you used up all of our food!
- Didn't you? Didn't you? - No. No.
Look at this! What are we supposed to do now, fish?
This... Look! Look! It's gone! We're doomed!
- I've got backup supplies. - You understand me?
I've got lots of backups.
Oh, what have you got here? Anchovy paste. I love this stuff!
- Creamed liver! This is good. - It's good for your gums.
Gefilte fish! I'm not eating gefilte fish for the rest of this trip!
- JULIE: Bill. - What?
We're here.
All right, kids. Here we go.
BILL: Randall, stop eating and pay attention.
BILL: Houston, we have separation.
Request permission to engage descent burn.
MAN: Roger, Pilgrim. Confirm separation.
BILL: Roger that.
MAN 2: We have separation confirmed.
MAN: Pilgrim, you are a-go for descent burn.
BILL: Roger that, Houston. Commencing decent burn.
Pilgrim is through the high gate at 80 percent.
Status?
Aeroshell deployed. Deceleration rate, normal.
ECLSS is go. They have entered Martian atmosphere.
JULIE: Bill, we've got a problem! Glide slope increasing!
BILL: I see it, Ford.
- We're losing stable trajectory. - BILL: Randall, status.
FRED: Commander, we need a five percent Z gimbal correction one percent.
- No, wait, wait... - BILL: I need a number, Randall!
- Ten percent. No, 12! - JULIE: Trajectory's eroding!
- Is it ten or 12? - Twelve, I'm going with 12. I'm sorry.
Initiating 12 percent Z gimbal course correction.
MAN: Communication shutdown for three minutes.
I knew it was 12.
Holy cow.
Look at that.
Engaging landing thrusters.
It's okay, you little fella. It's gonna be okay.
MAN: Pilgrim, this is Houston.
Pilgrim, this is Houston do you copy?
Pilgrim, this is Houston. Come in, please.
BILL: Houston, this is Planitia Base. The Pilgrim has landed.
Commander William Overbeck is the first out of the capsule
and within seconds will step onto the surface of Mars
and into the history books. We all eagerly...
This is a very big day for us, Ben. Very big.
BILL: Mr. President, peoples of the world,
for a poor farm boy from Iowa, this is one
heck of an honor to be the first man
to travel to a distant planet...
- JULIE: Fred, go slowly... - BILL: to be the first man
to set foot on the surface of Mars.
(SCREAMING)
FRED: It wasn't me!
BILL: Randall, I'm gonna kick your butt!
JULIE: My god!
FRED: It's amazing!
We're the first to ever stand on Mars!
BILL: Now you're the biggest idiot on two planets.
FRED: We're the first to talk on Mars!
Hey, Julie, I'm the first to walk backwards on Mars!
First to blow a kiss on Mars!
Hey, you're the first to blush on Mars.
JULIE: Fred!
BILL: How'd you like to be the first guy to die on Mars?
FRED: Well, sorry, Mr. First To Show Inappropriate Anger On Mars!
BILL: I'm not listening, Randall. I'm turning this radio off.
FRED: Well, you're the first to not listen to me on Mars.
- BILL: Na, na, na, na, na. - FRED: Please talk to me.
I wanna get to know you more for the first time on Mars.
- FRED: Are we there yet? - BILL: No.
- FRED: Can I drive? - BILL: No!
- FRED: You never let me drive! - BILL: Shut up.
FRED: Hey, there's no airbag. What if I flying through the windshield?
BILL: Randall, there is no windshield.
FRED: Oh. Well, what if I go flying through the front of my helmet?
BILL: I'd die happy.
Well, this is it. Valles Marineris.
Stop here, Ford. This'll be perfect.
This is where we plant the flag.
JULIE: Roger.
I'll set up the weather station, and take the drilling samples
and be back in an hour.
BILL: I'll offload this equipment.
Rendezvous back here at 1400 hours.
JULIE: Fourteen hundred hours. Check.
BILL: Be careful out there, Ford.
FRED: All right, this is the spot. It's the perfect spot right here.
What you doing, Randall? Where's that flag?
FRED: It's coming, Commander.
FRED: Uh-oh, it wasn't me!
But I'll get it! I think I saw where it went.
BILL: Hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no.
You moron!
FRED: Who are you talking to, Commander?
BILL: You realize what you've just done?
I waited my whole life for this moment,
to plant a flag on a distant planet.
Now I'm on a distant planet, which was the hard part...
and I don't have a flag 'cause you lost it!
FRED: Don't worry, Commander! I've got another flag!
A high-flying flag! A proud flag! A wonderful flag!
BILL: What are you doing?
FRED: We're making history, Commander!
BILL: Randall.
MAN 1: And, salute!
- Huh? - FRED: Ten-hut!
- (PHONE RINGS) - MAN 2: It's the president.
BILL: Why don't I just throw myself off this cliff?
- BILL: Why don't I throw you off? - FRED: Don't worry, they're clean.
Paul, we got a red on Overbeck.
We have a primary oxygen tank leak. We need to preserve his SOP.
Solution?
Emergency tie line. We hook him into another suit.
Do it, doc.
Bill, this is Houston. You got a leak in your primary O2 tank.
I see it. What do we do?
MAN 3: You got an emergency line in your flix,
hook it up with Randall's spare vent nozzle
and your share till you get back to the Pilgrim.
Houston, is that sanitary?
- FRED: Hey, Commander? - BILL: Yeah?
FRED: Do you believe in UFOs at all?
BILL: Sure, I believe in UFOs.
FRED: You do?
BILL: Yeah. There's one following me.
FRED: Huh? Oh, I get it! You're funny, Commander!
(FRED LAUGHS)
FRED: Hey, Commander?
BILL: Yeah?
FRED: When I was a kid...
at night I used to there was a baker under my bed.
Did you ever have anything under your bed?
- BILL: No. - FRED: Did you ever bend down and look?
BILL: No.
FRED: Well, how do you know there wasn't a baker under your bed?
BILL: Randall, shut up.
FRED: Hey, Commander?
BILL: Yeah?
FRED: I seem to be experiencing these intense intestinal cramps.
FRED: Randall, I'm trying to conserve oxygen here.
- FRED: But they hurt me so. - BILL: Keep it to yourself.
- FRED: Ow. Ow. - BILL: Wait a minute.
BILL: If we stay on this heading for another 20 minutes,
we'll see the Pilgrim.
(PASSES GAS)
What? I didn't do anything.
Oh, my God. No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't do that.
No, no. Come on.
(SNIFFING) Oh, man!
BILL: Oh! (GROANING)
Oh!
- It wasn't me. - What do you mean, it wasn't you?
BILL: We're 35 million miles from the nearest person!
MALE VOICE: Heart rate up, adrenaline up, stomach muscles spasming!
- Overbeck's in distress. - Look at these methane levels.
- Methane? - (LAUGHTER)
BILL: Oh! Oh, it's in my mouth!
FRED: Hey! He who smelt it, dealt it!
(PASSES GAS)
What?
(GROANS)
FRED: Commander, I'm having trouble breathing.
BILL: You're having trouble breathing? My eyes are burning!
FRED: Truly, it wasn't me! Maybe it was Julie.
BILL: You dog! FRED: Hey, miracles can happen.
BILL: Blaming this on Julie!
FRED: Okay, I admit it was me.
- BILL: Thank you! - (PASSES GAS)
FRED: Now that was Julie!
(ALARM BLARING)
This isn't good, Bill. I think Fred's right.
Looks like the winds are coming early.
Maybe two or three days. Look at these readings I took today.
We should still be all right tomorrow.
Oh no, wait a second. No. It's not gonna be all right.
FRED: My calculations are telling me
that... that these two martian high-pressure systems
are coming together faster than any of us could've predicted.
Tomorrow.
When that happens, we're nothing more than a dust bunny,
stuck in a bag of a vacuum.
You go out there, you're not comin' back.
What are you doing, Randall? What are you doing?
What, it's not enough that you broke every record that I ever set?
That you humiliated me on global television?
That you ruined what should've been the most important moment
of my life by stepping on Mars first?
That's not enough for you! You've got to do this!
No, no. This one is mine.
We came to Mars to gather fossil samples.
We're not leaving here until I accomplish this!
Wait. Bill...
I don't want to abort this mission any more than you do, but...
I know he's right.
If we don't leave before this storm hits, we don't leave.
All right, what do you suggest?
JULIE: Tomorrow morning, we check the readings. If they're bad...
we abort.
All right. Fine.
Let's get some sleep.
BUD: What did Overbeck say?
FRED: He said we should wait till morning. You know, Bud,
maybe I was wrong about the winds. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
BUD: I wanna tell you something, Fred. About the 13 mission.
The day before launch, I... I caught what seemed to be
a minor glitch in the tank's stirring circuits.
Didn't look serious, but I went to Wick,
I told him, we needed to postpone until we could greenlight the system.
He said, there was no way we were gonna push back the launch date,
he said that I was overreacting,
that I was imagining a problem when there was none.
FRED: So Apollo 13 was Wick's fault?
BUD: No. I had every right and authority to stop that launch
but I didn't. I didn't make the call.
And if those three astronauts hadn't pulled off
a number of last minute major miracles,
they would have been dead and it would've been my fault.
I'm not gonna let that happen this time.
I'm gonna get you guys out of this.
- Hey, Bud. - BUD: What?
I'd be proud to end up like you.
I copy that.
Bud out.
FRED: The mushroom people
- FRED: are coming! Get them away! - JULIE: Fred! Wake up! Fred! Fred!
Bill's gone. He took Ulysses and the spare backpack,
and he is gone.
Sweet mother of meat!
(IMITATES SCOOBY-DOO) Huh? Uh-oh!
BILL: All right, buddy. Here we are.
Go on... Go on.
How are they doing up there, Paul?
Oh, good morning, sir. Yes, we're just about to wake the crew.
- Would you like this one, sir? - (DOOR OPENS)
Oh, great.
It's over, Paul.
Sir, I'm making the call. We abort now.
No one's listening to you, Bud. Don't make me call security.
I'm not gonna stand by and let another disaster happen!
This man has continually ignored the warnings of our crew on Mars.
- Security, would you come in here, please? - Our mission is in serious jeopardy, sir.
Bud...
Don't make this any harder than it already is.
- Don't do this, sir. - BEN: Bud, would you take it easy?
We're all under a lot of stress. You just need to rest. That's all!
- Ben, those people are gonna die. - Bud, you have totally lost it.
We haven't had any negative reports.
Get him out of here, please.
Paul, we've got a contact on emergency frequency.
- On screen. - Pilgrim, this is Houston.
Houston, the storms are here! Wind speed at, uh...
- JULIE: Forty-five. ...45 miles per hour and rising!
- JULIE: Visibility dropping. - FRED: Houston, what should we do?
FRED: Houston, please advise!
Paul?
Randall, no! That's... that's impossible.
PAUL: Our weather pattern analysis...
Mr. Wick, this is bad, I don't think
I've ever seen anything like this before.
It reminds me of a French Canadian...
Tennis racket stuck to the back of a...
It's no good...
Bubbling out of my sister's...
Brazilian donkey!
I don't think I can make myself any clearer!
Wick, get 'em off that planet!
Do as he says, Paul.
Ben, we had no way of knowing.
I followed procedure, Ben.
PAUL: I followed procedure, here!
Paul, unplug and go home.
Unplug and go home?
Nesbitt, you're in command.
FRED: Houston, do you copy? Houston, come in!
MAN: Pilgrim we copy. Please stand by.
BUD: Don't stare at me, people! We got a crew out there!
Let's bring 'em home.
JULIE: Houston, wind speed continues to increase.
- This is bad, Paul. - Ford, it's Bud. Listen carefully.
If the wind keeps building at this rate, in 20 minutes, liftoff will be impossible.
Launch now.
No! Commander Overbeck and Ulysses are still out there!
They're lost now. You're not.
Launch!
- I'm going after them. - What?
BUD: Fred? Fred, answer me! Fred!
Can't hear you! We're fading out fast!
Fred!
If I'm not back in 20 minutes, you've gotta take off without me!
- BUD: Fred! - JULIE: You will be back.
- Twenty minutes and then take off! - BUD: Fred!
Twenty minutes, right? Not 15 or anything?
All right.
Twenty-one is okay too.
Ford, what's going on?
BUD: What's happening? I'm losing you! Julie!
FRED: Commander!
Commander Overbeck!
Ulysses!
(HOOTING)
Ulysses!
Where are you? Answer me!
(HOOTING)
There you are!
How many times have I told you not
to wander around in a Martian dust storm!
We've got to find the commander.
(HOOTING)
JULIE: Where are they?
FRED: Commander!
Commander Overbeck!
BILL: Randall?
FRED: Commander, is that you?
- BILL: Randall! - FRED: It is you!
FRED: All right, stand back, little fella. Nothin' to see here.
- FRED: Commander! - BILL: What are you doing here?
BILL: Get back to the ship and save yourself!
FRED: Sorry Commander, I can't do that.
BILL: That's an order!
FRED: I've got to get you out.
(FRED GROANS)
FRED: I can't lift it.
They say that when a mother's child is trapped,
the rush of her adrenaline gives her the strength of 20 men.
FRED: All right, Commander, call me "Mommy"!
- BILL: What? - FRED: Call me "Mommy," now!
BILL: I'd rather die in the Martian dirt!
- FRED: Who am I? - BILL: Just lift the stinkin' thing!
FRED: Who am I?
BILL: Mommy.
FRED: Say it like you love me.
BILL: Mommy. Please, Mommy, save me.
- FRED: Mommy's coming, little Billy! - BILL: Save me!
FRED: Live, child! Live!
You're alive, little Billy!
BILL: Don't you ever call me "Little Billy"!
FRED: That's no way to talk to your mother!
JULIE: Houston, this is Ford.
Julie, where's Fred?
Still out there. I'm initiating launch sequence.
Wait, they still have time to get back!
Give 'em a chance!
I know what I'm doing.
FRED: Which way, Commander?
BILL: I don't know. Can't get a reading. Let's get down behind that rock.
FRED: Come on, Ulysses.
I'm gonna go out there and take a closer look.
It's the Pilgrim!
It's too late! She's taking off!
BILL: She's guiding us with the engines! Come on!
FRED: I'll get Ulysses. Ulysses...
- (ULYSSES WHIMPERS) - FRED: Ulysses.
BILL: The tank's empty!
We'll share air.
BILL: We don't have a spare hose, remember?
FRED: Well, then I'll give him mine. You don't leave friends behind.
BILL: What are you gonna do? Hold your breath?
You'll never make it to the Pilgrim!
FRED: Don't forget, Commander,
I'm the new NASA record holder for lung capacity. (INHALES)
BILL: That was three minutes! This is, what, four, maybe five?
FRED: What? You ignore me the whole trip
and now that I have no air you wanna chat?
BILL: Randall...
Randall? Randall! Randall!
JULIE: Oh, no, not now!
Twenty minutes are up, Julie.
Wait... I see someone!
Ford, what's going on?
- I got it! - BUD: Ford, Who is it? Julie, do you copy?
Julie?
Fred, are you there? Fred? Copy, somebody!
Bill! Where's Fred?
He should've been here. Don't launch.
JULIE: There he is!
Fred... He's going the other way! Fred!
BOTH: Hey! Fred!
- Get me outta this! - What are you doing?
It's empty anyway.
- He's holding his breath out there. - Oh, my God!
If we're not back in five minutes...
Hurry! Hurry, Bill!
JULIE: Bill. Bill, is he all right? Is he okay?
BILL: He's not breathing! Get his helmet off!
Don't even think about it, Randall!
BILL: Houston, Houston this is Pilgrim...
- Carol Ann? Go into the light, honey. - BILL: Houston?
JULIE: Fred... FRED: Honey, go into the light.
Houston?
- FRED: Oh, it's you! Ulysses! - No! Julie!
No. Ulysses needs air!
Houston! Come in, please! We're on board.
- BILL: We need go for launch. - Get the hell out of there!
Roger that, Houston. Preparing for launch.
Not the hairy one! Take me!
- Priming main thrusters. - JULIE: Rocket boosters intact.
(SCREECHING AND JABBERING)
JULIE: Fred? Fred! Fred, he's fine! He's just resting.
- In the next five, we're ready to go. - Thrusters go in three, two...
- Hold on. - BILL: one.
We have liftoff.
Fifty meters.
One hundred.
- MAN 1: Increasing velocity. - MAN 2: Two hundred meters.
Course is good. Nice flying, Uncle Walnut.
JULIE: One thousand. Two thousand.
Increasing velocity.
MAN 2: Five thousand. Six thousand...
- Eight thousand. - Just a little higher.
You're almost clear of the storm.
JULIE: Ten thousand.
- JULIE: All systems green. - I think we made it.
What the hell was that?
- Houston, we've had an impact! - It wasn't me!
BILL: Navigation controls are compromised!
JULIE: Switching to auxiliary power. We're losing velocity!
Status!
ECLSS down, OMS down, visual contact down.
- They got a total kill here. - Solutions!
Randall rewires the entire operation system circuitry
in less than two minutes. End of solutions.
Bud, what do we do here?
We do nothing.
MAN 2: Pilgrim is in a freefall.
Nav controls are out. Randall, I need the engine computers up now!
This time it was definitely not me!
BILL: I'm switching to manual. Randall, check below.
Randall, how's it look down there?
Like this! (MIMICS ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
BILL: Well, fix it!
Will you stop this ship from tumbling and give me about a week?
I can't stop the tumbling and you've got two minutes!
To recap the story, the Pilgrim was caught in a violent sandstorm
and is now tumbling towards the Martian surface.
We're standing by to hear what the latest NASA has to say
about this terrible incident.
MAN: Forty-five hundred meters, dropping fast.
Ninety seconds to impact.
Can you tell me straight, Nesbit, can he do it?
Only a complete genius or a total fool could pull this off.
Lucky for us he's both.
Any power yet, Bill?
I got nothing. We're in a flat spin.
Randall, this would be a terrific time to fix that!
BILL: Any time now would be good!
60 seconds to impact. System's still red.
We've established audio link.
Fred? Fred, can you hear me?
Bud... I'm down below. Everything's spinning.
- I don't know what to do! - Focus, Fred.
It's like in training. The rotating chair with the wires.
- That was a real winner! - BUD: You can do this.
Trust your instincts.
Now!
FRED: Fred, come on! You can do it.
Thirty seconds! Don't give up, Fred!
Come on, Fred!
FRED: Gotta close the circuit.
- Come on, Fred. - Fifteen seconds to impact.
Need something decent.
You're the man, Fred!
- Come on. - JULIE: Ten seconds!
- Bud's coin! - Come on!
FRED: Yee-haa!
I got power!
You did it, Fred!
BILL: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Put on the porch light, Mama! We're comin' home!
Oh, Magoo. You've done it again, sir!
That little space rock's gonna make you real famous, Julie Ford.
So, what's next for you, rocketman?
Well, actually, I was thinking about asking you to dance.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, well. Thanks anyway but I think we've done that before.
Wait a second, I had a little time on my hands recently,
and I've been practicing.
That and I got a little bit creative with the space blankets.
(SINGING) When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in
And sees you through
When you wish
Upon a star
Your dreams
Come
True
Sweet dreams, lovebirds.
So, I guess I'll see you in eight months.
JULIE: Goodnight, Fred.
It's a tale as old as time, Ulysses.
Boy meets girl.
Boy falls for girl.
Boy and girl return to home planet,
get a nice little house with a white picket fence
and live happily...
No!
No, not again! Ulysses! No!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(JABBERING)